Envy in children, how to deal with it?
It is normal for children (and adults) to show signs of envy, but we must not punish them, but teach them to channel it.
Envy is considered one of the weak points of our society. Sometimes it brings great problems and conflicts in our life (breakdown of family, social ties, etc.). Envy makes us tremendously dissatisfied and unhappy and on many occasions, we forget to value what we have by wanting what others have. The presence of this feeling in the child is alarming for parents, especially because certain doubts arise such as: how did it arise? Why? Is it normal or should I be concerned? What do I do to avoid it?
Index
WHAT IS ENVY
Envy is a very common manifestation in children. It is defined as a discomfort or negative feeling that generates pain for not having the same thing that the other has. In this sense, we would not only talk about material things (money, toys, travel …), but also about sentimental issues (affection, respect, personal qualities, attention from other people …). Envy is classified as a negative and universal feeling, since we all feel it sometime throughout our lives, to a greater or lesser extent. While in the child it occurs in relation to an object that he wants and does not have, in later stages the feelings of inferiority or low self-esteem can provoke envy in the adolescent or adult. In addition, it has negative repercussions on self-esteem, generating feelings of life dissatisfaction, insecurity and inferiority.
In childhood, envy has many manifestations: tantrums, tantrums , aggressiveness, crying, lack of communication, rebellious behavior, etc. and identifying the origin of these behaviors in the child is not an easy task.
WHY DO CHILDREN ENVY
Envy can be caused by the child’s inability to regulate their own emotions, where emotional intelligence, once again, plays a fundamental role. Likewise, it can also be caused by a self-esteem problem.
It is very common to observe in young children that envy does not arise because of what they do not have, but because of what the other has and that I do not have . It is very likely that once the desired object is achieved, after a few minutes it will lose its grace and be forgotten.
In turn, envy is part of the child’s development, of his emotional part. Although it is classified as a negative feeling, its appearance is normal, therefore it should not be censored and we should not recriminate or punish the child. What the child needs is to learn to identify and channel it.
Envy is closely related to frustration. In this sense, the child must learn to tolerate the times, to understand that not everything is achieved immediately and to cultivate patience. We must instill in the child the culture of effort: all results must be the product of learning and effort and that takes time. In this sense, envy can become a motive for action: desire to improve oneself.
Envy is often the product of low self-esteem . Adults contribute to the child’s self-concept. The messages we send can damage their self-concept , considering themselves inferior to other people for not being or not having other things that others do have (“Look at Juanito, he is good that he never hits others …”).
It is very common for children to confuse envy with admiration. Along these lines, adults should help the child to distinguish it. Admiration would be a positive feeling that would lead the child to value and seek similarity with the person they admire, to want to resemble and fight for it and would not be linked to feelings of hatred, anger and resentment associated with envy.
HOW TO DEAL WITH ENVY IN CHILDREN
Here are a series of recommendations on how to help the child identify and channel this feeling:
1. It is important that parents teach the child that you cannot have everything in life, that they try to calm them down and reason with them.
2. The culture of effort: the value of effort must be transmitted to children. Every effort will have its reward, everything good is made to wait and is the fruit of one’s own doing.
3. Teach to tolerate frustration. We must teach children that it is not bad to be patient, to know how to wait. Also, not everything goes well the first time or it may not work out or there are things that we cannot achieve.
4. The messages that are transmitted to the child are key. You should not make criticisms and comparisons with other children. Likewise, the messages must refer to acts and behaviors, in such a way that what is not correct is the child’s behavior and not their way of being.
5. Children tend to imitate the behavior of their elders. Avoid envious comments and actions.
6. It is essential to teach the child the fundamental values for life and to focus on their goals and not those of others.
7. Combat this feeling with affection and lots of patience. The child must feel loved and accepted as he is, and not because he does not have what others have.
8. Help him to tolerate his shortcomings and value his qualities. Likewise, it is important that the child is aware of all the good things around him (family, shelter and food, friends, toys …). Above all, in non-tangible matters. The child should know that the best things in life are not things.
9. Envy generates anxiety, help him to channel that anxiety in the face of unfulfilled desires.
10. Emphasize what they do well and their qualities. Thus, we help them cope with situations and control themselves, especially in those moments when tantrums and tantrums are the order of the day.
11. Resources: emotional intelligence can be worked on through many easily accessible resources ( stories , workshops, etc.). Some stories will help to understand and illustrate this feeling and to reinforce positive behaviors. Among them we can find: ‘Red cat, blue cat’, by Jenni Desmond; ‘Envy’, by Violeta Monreal; ‘When I feel envy’, by Molly Wigand, and ‘My cousin Carolina’, by Michael Morpurgo.
Dr. Tabriella Perivolaris, Sara's mother and fan of fashion, beauty, motherhood, among others, about the female universe. Since 2018 she has been working as a copywriter, always bringing to her articles a little of her experience and experience as a mother and woman.