How to cope with and overcome the death of a child
Mourning for a child is an unnatural situation and that is why it is so difficult to assume it. At PregDream we tell you the phases of mourning that parents will go through and how to overcome their loss.
The death of a child is a very traumatic loss for the parents , it is a very complex grief, because by law of life children survive their parents and not the other way around. The feeling of emptiness is immense, and produces a feeling of inner tears with a feeling of helplessness. The grieving process is very hard and this loss can even affect the couple’s relationship.
When the reason for the death has been a degenerative disease, and the parents have lived the moment slowly, they have been able to adapt to that feeling of stress that death produces. This is not the case when death occurs suddenly as the cause of an accident. In any case, the mourning for the deceased child is personal and non-transferable, however, knowing how it works can allow parents to learn to live with sadness and avoid falling into what is known as pathological grief or chronic depression .
Index
THE FIRST DAYS AFTER THE LOSS
The first days after the tragedy it is normal for parents to feel incredulous about the situation, it is common to think: “this is not happening to me.” Sadness is also present along with some physical symptoms such as lack of sleep , anxiety, headache , nausea , vomiting, dizziness , muscle stiffness , tremors … It is normal for parents to repeat to themselves what happened over and over again time. It is recommended that if they feel the need to speak, they do so, that they vent; and that the family and the people around them allow them to express themselves and do not change the subject, they need to be heard. They are totally normal emotional states at this time and you have to attend to them.
It is not until about two weeks after the tragedy that they begin to miss the deceased son. It is then that the recurring thoughts and the crestfallen state begin, and when the family takes on special importance. It is a mistake to try to minimize their pain and sadness, with phrases such as: “This will pass soon”, “you will see how you feel better tomorrow”, “do not be sad” … But the family should not fall into overprotection either. The best way to act is with respect and understanding that each person has their own rhythm and inner process when it comes to moving forward.
PHASES OF GRIEF
After the death of a son, various stages and a multitude of mixed feelings are suffered. The most frequent are anger, a feeling of guilt, great sadness, depression and the presence of irrational thoughts. It is common to feel guilty for not being able to do something to prevent it. Anger is usually directed towards those who are considered guilty of death, even God in the case of believers. Feelings of loneliness and isolation may appear that prevent communication with others. It is not a process with a certain beginning and end, but rather it is something continuous that will last for a long time, sometimes a lifetime.
The different stages of grief are:
1. Denial: going into shock or paralysis is a momentary reaction when the news of death is received. It manifests itself through different feelings: apathy, dullness, hyperactivity. All of these feelings protect us from the shock of the loss.
2. A false acceptance of death. It appears after the funeral and is short-lived, just the time when family and friends stay with parents. It is characterized by expressions of acceptance of death, a fluctuating mood that ranges from tranquility to disconsolate crying.
3. Anger. When the bustle disappears, the moment of loneliness, insecurity, depression , feelings of guilt, sadness … There is a total loss of interest in what surrounds them. Right now you need compression and letting the anger flow.
4. I remember. During this period, the events that occurred before the tragedy are constantly recalled. This seeks to reconnect with the emotions and happy experiences with the deceased child.
5. Acceptance. A deliberate effort to restart life without the lost child begins. More positive and rational ideas appear. Feelings of depression begin to disappear and hobbies, interests, and friendships are cultivated or resumed.
HOW CAN I GET AHEAD?
It has always been said that losing a child is the hardest thing that can happen to a person. Overcoming it is very complicated and the support of the family and the partner will be necessary to move forward. Any death affects us, but in the case of a child the impact it entails is one of the most negative emotions that can be experienced. This experience will be different for each of the parents, who despite living the same situation, will have their own particular way of showing or repressing their emotions.
Of course, it is almost impossible for a parent to get over the death of a child, the pain of loss never completely disappears. But it is possible to try to cope with these feelings in the best possible way , learning to develop strategies that, along with the passage of time, can allow parents to continue with their life in the most positive way possible. Over time the pain and sadness diminish and the feelings of guilt disappear, allowing you to resume your life little by little.
The first and most important thing is to allow yourself to face the mourning of the tragedy without evasion, expressing your emotions and feelings without repressing them. If at that time the couple had important decisions pending to make, it would be a good idea to postpone them as much as possible or delegate them to people you trust. It is necessary that the couple does not distance themselves at this time, they should try to maintain communication between them by talking about their child. On a physical level, it is positive to rest more in a moment of sadness, maintain a good diet , seek silence or company depending on the moment, breathe fresh air or enjoy a relaxing activity .
After a while, it is best to continue with the daily activities, and find motivations in the day to day to get out of bed. For example, supporting you at work or trying to focus on the smallest tasks like ironing or cooking. It is a good time to keep your mind occupied with something that requires attention so that you are not thinking all the time.
On an emotional level, there is an exercise that experts recommend that may help you. Write a letter addressed to your child. Express your feelings in it freely, put everything you want in writing. And then, keep it in a place that gives you peace of mind. You can read it again whenever you need to.
Do not allow anyone to pressure you or force you to make decisions about your child’s belongings , his room , clothes, toys … But do not fall into the trap of turning his room into a sanctuary, it will not allow you to move forward. At such a time, you must allow yourself to have your own space and time to be alone when you need it.
Dr. Tabriella Perivolaris, Sara's mother and fan of fashion, beauty, motherhood, among others, about the female universe. Since 2018 she has been working as a copywriter, always bringing to her articles a little of her experience and experience as a mother and woman.