Whether gay or straight, having children is a tricky topic for many couples who love each other and live together. They are in love, they love each other, they enjoy together and share their lives. For one of the parties, the relationship itself is paradise, it does not want anything to change. But the other one however, does not feel fulfilled and the maternal / paternal instinct is knocking at the door. Today we are going to see the two points of view.
MY PARTNER WANTS TO HAVE CHILDREN BUT I DON’T
If this is your case, you have to make things clear from the beginning . If motherhood or fatherhood is something that you had never considered, you will have to start weighing it if you see that things are starting to get serious with your partner. If he or she has brought up the topic, it is because they want to know your answer, take some time to meditate calmly and be able to decide. If it is something that you are 100% clear about, the best option is to speak sincerely and say your opinion about it, above all it is very important that you are not ambiguous, do not give it long because it will be with you with the false hope that one day you will change your mind , and that is unfair to both you and the other. Being parents is too serious an issue that changes people’s lives and is the first thing that a couple living together has to take into account. Therefore, if you have decided and you know that there is no going back, do not postpone the conversation any longer and take the step.
To talk about it, choose a time when you know that you are going to be alone and that no one is going to bother you. Do not wait for the other to bring up the subject by strainer because it will give the impression that you have been deceiving them all that time. Explain how you feel and why you don’t want to have children . It will be easier if you list the reasons for your decision before talking to him or her, thus avoiding backing down in the middle of the conversation.
Whatever we decide we have to defend it to the end , in the heat of the conversation we can say things that we later regret or convey ideas that can lead to confusion. It will lead to us feeling bad because we will be acting against our principles, what we really feel, and this in the long term will produce dissatisfaction and we will also harm our partner and the future baby that comes on the way. A person who accepts paternity or maternity out of obligation tends to be more negligent in his education, to ignore the problems. Many hide behind the phrase: “It was you who wanted to have children.” A child is not a gift that is made to another person, both parties have to bear the responsibility of being parents and that role cannot fall on just one.
I WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN BUT MY PARTNER DOES NOT
Now the tables turn. After talking about parenting in the near future, the person you love confesses that they have no interest in having children at the moment. It is common then to cling to hope (“for the moment”), could you change your mind in the future? What do we do? Do we each continue on our own or do I wait patiently?
What you can do at the moment is to investigate the reason why she does not want to have children, who knows, maybe her reasons are surmountable and she can change her mind. Is it for money? Later the economic situation in the house may change, and therefore, change your decision. Is it for fear of not being a good father or mother ? Does he look too young? Is it because you have never been attracted to the idea? You have to discover their reasons to assess whether or not the wait is worth it. It is best to speak openly with the person and to tell you without hesitation, but you have to have empathy and put yourself in the place of the other. If he really loves you, he will be afraid of losing you if he gives you an answer that you do not want to hear, so it is understandable that he can give an ambiguous answer. If that is the case, bet on sincerity and explain your situation, that you cannot continue without being clear about your opinion about being parents.
On the other hand, one must flee from emotional blackmail and not try to convince the other by taking advantage of a moment when they are morally low. If the other person has the feeling that he is obliged, reproaches will arise in the future and one of the parties will take a more passive role than the other in the baby’s upbringing.
IS IT NORMAL FOR A WOMAN TO DECIDE NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN?
Times change and societies evolve. 50 years ago the image of a woman realized was a woman with success in her work (in the best of cases), married and with children . Of that there was no doubt. Therefore, even today there are people who do not conceive that a woman who is financially well and with a partner does not want to have children. It is true that biology plays an important role and around 30 most women begin to awaken the maternal instinct, but it is not a rule . Young women today have other types of priorities before thinking about procreating and the idea of having a child should be banished as the culmination of a woman’s fulfillment.
Another issue is when the woman or man has already had children from another previous partner , then it is normal that they do not want to go through the same thing again, while the other party yearns to go through that experience already lived by the other.
Finally, whatever the reasons, it is advisable not to miss the opportunity to clarify the bases of the relationship and the future perspective that both of you have. Waiting for the other party to change their mind is absurd. Would you change your mind? So why do you think the other one will? If you do not agree but you both continue to love each other madly, rethink go to a psychologist who can advise you and help you empathize with the other party.