6 Tips for Successful Talking to Your Teen

Dealing with adolescents may seem like an impossible task because we are talking about a stage in which they are experiencing changes of all kinds: hormonal, physical, mental and social. They are maturing in every way and they live day by day as a continuous struggle to gain more independence from their parents . Children prefer to spend more time with friends and family is in the background.

There are no secrets to talking to teenagers. Just have a lot of patience, understanding and lead by example with the word. The best way is to behave assertively.

WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?

An assertive person is one capable of defending their rights and freely expressing their opinion without offending others and without allowing them to offend them. They are people who through the word “get what they want”, so that in a negotiation they get both parties to be moderately satisfied.

If we behave assertively with our children, we will have a better chance of achieving our goals and they will be calmer because they will feel that they are being heard. That we take into account your opinion and feelings.

One of the biggest sources of stress in life comes from our interpersonal relationships. There are three styles when it comes to relating to others:

-Aggressive style : people who behave like this humiliate, blackmail, blame and generally make the other person feel bad . They don’t necessarily have to raise their voices for it.

-Passive style: it is the style in which the person does not say what he really thinks so as not to harm others. When arguing, they always agree with others. Typical in people who are afraid of rejection.

– Assertive style : people who express their opinion and defend themselves without verbally attacking others, nor do they allow themselves to be trampled on by others. In this sense, being assertive will help us release our frustration through dialogue and without anyone getting hurt.

HOW CAN WE BE MORE ASSERTIVE WITH OUR CHILDREN?

When we want to dialogue with our children about an issue that worries us, we have to arm ourselves with a great deal of patience so as not to argue. Once we are aware we can plan in advance a small script to know what to say to them and how to answer their problems , so that they do not catch us unexpectedly. Here are the steps to develop a quick script and talk to teenagers about a specific problem.

1- Before talking to him, quickly describe the problem on a piece of paper . You have to put the people who are involved, when it has happened / happens, how you behave in that situation and what you would like to happen in their place.

Example: “My daughter Valeria has been coming home four weekends in a row half an hour late. This makes me worry a lot because she does not warn and I think something may have happened to her. All I do is punish her so that she does not come back to repeat. However, it is useless. I wish I could make you understand how important it is to me that you keep to the schedule. “

2- Think of a time and place where you can calmly discuss the problem, without fear that no one can interrupt you. When you foresee that both of you are going to be relaxed and especially him.

3- Begin by describing the problem to the adolescent , in a clear and concise way.

Example: “The last 4 Saturdays you have been coming home at 10:30 when the allowed time is until 10.”

BEING ASSERTIVE OUR CHILDREN WILL FEEL HEARD

Example: “That makes me feel bad because I want to trust you but I can’t help but think that something may have happened to you and I worry a lot.”

5- Make it clear how you want your child to behave . Be brief.

Example: “I would like you to arrive on time from now on and if due to an emergency it will take you to call me.”

6- Finish the dialogue by highlighting what benefits it could obtain if it listens to you and what damages it would have if it does not. Sometimes it is necessary to give in “superficial” things to win in the essentials. It is also important that the negative consequences are not too harsh so as not to lose credibility.

Example: “If you meet the schedule, I promise to let you arrive two weekends a month at 10:30, always agreeing in advance. If you do not comply, each day that you are late will be deducted from the time of the end of next week.”

Finally and putting all the examples together, the script would look like this:

“The last 4 Saturdays you have been coming home at 10:30 when the allowed time is until 10. That makes me feel bad because I want to trust you but I can’t help thinking that something may have happened to you, I worry a lot.

I would like you to arrive on time from now on and if due to an emergency it will take you to call me. If you meet the schedule, I promise to let you arrive two weekends a month at 10:30, always agreeing in advance. If you do not comply, each day you are late, those minutes will be deducted from the time of the following weekend. “

TEENS NEED TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES TOO

Ask him for his point of view. What does he think and how would he solve the problem. In this way we are showing them that we value their opinion regardless of the decision we make later. It is important that they feel heard.

Lastly, sometimes we can’t help but argue. Especially if one of the two parties gets upset and starts screaming. It is vital to maintain the type and not get carried away, after all, we are the adults and we have to set an example . Yelling is giving permission for them to do the same. And once the screaming begins, the conversation loses all meaning because no one wins and both parties lose.

If they are the ones who start yelling, just say, “I see you’re getting upset so I’m going to go.

When you are calmer we can continue talking about it. Until then, nothing. “Then leave the room and don’t go to him until at least 10 minutes have passed after he has calmed down . The last thing we want is for them to learn who the loudest wins.