If you are a father or mother, it is likely that you are teaching your children to get along with others, to be committed people who know how to move among crowds of people. Actually, it is necessary to make them aware that not everyone likes each other and that this does not have to be bad.
Sometimes those desires for peaceful relationships can turn into something insoluble. When children become overly obedient and flexible children, they will be able to please others without regard to their own needs … this is a mistake that makes them the target of school bullies.
THAT IS NOT COMPLACENT
Compliant kids are a magnet for controlling people – in this case, bullies. Pleasing people is exhausting and prevents people who participate in these types of relationships from meeting their needs. They are also more susceptible to peer pressure because they desperately want to adapt and often compromise their values and beliefs to please other people … just to feel accepted. Because they were taught that they should get along with everyone.
Children want to fit in and avoid being excluded from the group. If a boy or a girl wants to please another ‘more popular’, this type of relationship becomes more and more demanding and the more they please others, the worse they will treat them. It is a vicious cycle, which makes them feel powerless and worthless.
If you have noticed that your child has fallen into the trap of pleasing others or has unhealthy friendships, then now is the time to act.
PRAISE AND AFFIRM YOUR CHILD
Sometimes children or adolescents think that if others treat them nicely, they owe ‘something’ to them. In reality, people should treat each other well without receiving anything in return, it is our obligation as a society. Make sure your child receives praise and affirmation but that this does not come from sacrificing himself for the benefit of others.
Although it is a wonderful trait to put others first, it is not healthy for anyone. Make sure. Let your children know that this is not the only way to feel good about the things they do.
IT IS NOT THE SAME TO HAVE GOOD WILL THAN TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF
Help your children unlike doing something for others is because they really want to do something. Nothing should ever be done for anyone when they feel compelled or pressured to do so. They must learn to avoid doing things for fear of the consequences if they do not do them. Learning to differentiate this will help them make better decisions in the future in relationships with others.
YOU HAVE TO IDENTIFY NEGATIVE FEELINGS
Talk to your child about how he feels after doing something to please someone else. That person who seems to be your friend because he is nice but who in reality is not. If you’re feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, or sad, you may have gotten into pleasing people without actually wanting to do it.
Often times, pleasing people is so deeply ingrained that your child doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. Your feelings about various situations may be your only clue. As a result, it’s important that you learn to recognize where your frustrations, anxieties, and sorrows are coming from … and learn how to change that reality to get you back on track.
TELL YOUR CHILD IT’S OKAY TO BE ‘SELFISH’ SOMETIMES
Many people (also adults) never say ‘no’ to anything to prevent others from thinking that they are selfish and prefer to please others. But in reality, if he says no, he will still be much kinder and more generous than all those people who try to take advantage of him. Remind your child that truly selfish people don’t even care whether they are selfish or not. However, remind your children that manipulators and bad people will try to make them believe that they are selfish when in reality it is others who really are that way. They need to resist the temptation to believe these comments.