Do you have an overly perfectionist child?

Maybe you’ve ever heard a parent say something like, “My son stayed up all night preparing science work. He’s a bit of a perfectionist!” But any parent who thinks perfectionism is a status symbol or a virtue to be empowered probably doesn’t understand that perfectionism is a serious problem.

If you’re raising a perfectionist child, you’ve likely seen firsthand how difficult it can be.  Shredded papers, long nights, and crying spells are just some of the behaviors you can witness in a budding perfectionist.

If your child goes into a rage every time he makes a mistake or tries for hours trying to take a perfect photograph, then … perfectionism is affecting him more than necessary. When this is not controlled, it can have serious lifelong consequences.

WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM

It is good that children have high expectations of themselves, but in reality, I still hope that everything is always perfect they will never be satisfied with their performance or with the life they lead.

People who are protectionists set unrealistic goals for themselves. Then, they put a lot of pressure to set their goals. They have an all or nothing thought. And if they do not reach their goals, no matter how high, they believe that they have not achieved anything and that they are within an absolute failure.

When they are successful, enjoying those achievements. Although at times, they attribute success to good luck rather than their own abilities. This can lead to them believing in the future that they could not achieve those good results, have that level of success. These thoughts may cause you frustration and great anxiety instead of enjoying your success.

TYPES OF PERFECTIONISM

Children (and adults) can have different types of perfectionism. It is possible to be an adaptive perfectionist which would mean that expectations are too high and unrealistic but could be useful to you in life. Although in reality, most experts agree that perfectionism is always harmful. There are three different types of perfectionism:

• • Perfectionism towards oneself. You have unrealistic expectations of yourself.

• • Perfectionism towards the other. Unrealistic goals are set towards other people.

• Socially prescribed perfectionism. They believe that other people have unrealistic expectations for themselves.

If you are too much of a perfectionist it is likely to be detrimental to your life both now and in the future.

WARNING SIGNS

There are some warning signs of perfectionism that can vary depending on your child’s age and personality type. Symptoms your children may show may include:

• • High sensitivity to criticism

• • Difficulty completing tasks because the work is never “good enough”

• • Procrastinate tasks to avoid complicated tasks

• • Self-critical, self-aware and easily embarrassed personality

• • Very critical attitude towards other people

• • Trouble making decisions or prioritizing tasks

• • Low tolerance for frustration when a mistake is made

• Great anxiety about failure

WHY HAPPENS?

There are different risk factors that can contribute to a child developing perfectionism. Some of these risk factors are:

• • Biological factors. It can be linked to disorders such as obesive-compulsive disorder or eating disorders.

• • Parental influences. If you tell your child things like: “You are the smartest in school” he may believe that mistakes are bad and he will want to be successful at all costs.

• • Parents who are also perfectionists. Parents who are perfectionists are more likely to raise children who are perfectionists. This may be due to learned behavior if a child witnesses a parent’s pursuit of perfection or it may also reflect a genetic disposition.

• • Academic pressures. They believe that they need to be perfect in academic grades to be successful in life.

• • Sensationalism of success and failure. They believe that if they are not perfect in what they do they will not be successful in life.

• • Desire to please. Some children want to win admiration and affection by showing that they can be perfect in every way. This may be due to a desire to reduce parental stress, or it may be the only way a young person knows how to get care.

• • Low self-esteem. A child who feels bad about himself may think that he is only as good as his achievements. However, perfectionists tend to focus on their mistakes and downplay their achievements, preventing them from feeling good about them.

• Traumatic experiences. They can do what children feel they are not loved or accepted or deserve to be unless they are “perfect.”