What to do if our son or daughter does not feel identified with their sex
Sex does not define gender, nor is there only the masculine and feminine, we must learn to understand and support our children if, from a young age, they already feel that they do not belong to their sex.
Even before a baby is born, doctors are already able to tell us if it will be a boy or a girl, simply based on their genitals . And this is, perhaps, the first mistake we make with our children ; And it is that gender has little to do with the sex with which it is born . A boy can have a vulva, and a girl can have a penis. Because gender identity is something that goes far beyond a person’s physical body, and has more to do with how that person really feels. You are not a woman because you have a vulva, but you are a woman because you feel like a woman. And you can be a woman with a penis.
Transsexuality is still a taboo in our society, something that many adults still do not have the moral capacity to confront openly, because they have been raised on ideas that differ greatly from what we have pointed out above. There are those who come to assert, with total tranquility, that a man will only be a man if he has a penis ; if he was born with female genitalia, he will never be a man. Unfortunately, there are more people who think this way than we can imagine at first.
By contrast, there are also many people who, thanks to the awareness that they are trying to create by the media, specialized groups and some NGOs, are beginning to understand that physical sex has little to do with gender identity . The usual thing is that they correspond, yes, but it can also happen that that does not happen.
Many studies have shown that it is from the age of two that a child begins to know what their gender identity really is . At that time, and for years to come, parents will begin to receive questions that may sound slightly strange to them. For example, your son will ask you why he has a penis , if he is a girl. Or your daughter, why doesn’t she have it, if she’s a boy. They will be the ones who begin to let their parents glimpse (sometimes more indirectly, and sometimes more directly) what their true gender identity is. What should be done then? How should we act as parents?
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SUPPORT, UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECT
Transsexuality is still a taboo in many families, and this could be the most damaging thing for a child. If he tries to tell us how he feels, and we just scold him, or tell him to stop ” bullshit, ” he might start to hold back or feel like what he’s feeling is something negative.
If you begin to see that the sex of your child does not identify with his gender , and that it is he himself who lets you know, the first thing you should show is a large dose of understanding and support . It is not a mental illness , and it is not something to be cured; transsexuality is not something that should be changed, far from it. The empathy can always work in these cases. If your son tells you that he is a girl, imagine what it would be like for you to be just in that situation: to verify that you were born in a body whose sex everyone recognizes as male, but you feel in a totally different way.
If you want, you can go to a psychologist . However, it is not necessary that you go if the only thing you are looking for is for a professional to assure you that your daughter has a penis , for example; her testimony is enough to corroborate it. No, you will not regret tomorrow, and no, it is not a phase. If it is a girl, it will be a teenager and, after that, a woman.
The psychologist, or psychopedagogue , can be of help if you see that your children have a problem with their environment, and that this begins to damage them emotionally. The professional will be able to explain to them much better than you that the problem is not theirs , but the society that surrounds them, and will prevent your son or daughter from rejecting their gender in the future.
Another important tip to keep in mind is that if your daughter no longer wants you to keep calling her Marcos, for example, you shouldn’t do it . Help her to choose a name with which she feels much more identified, and announce among your family, acquaintances and friends, that this will be the name to which she will respond from now on . You may find adverse opinions, people who criticize you, but turn a deaf ear. It is not worth worrying about, and that would only help your daughter, in this case, worry.
SOCIETY STILL HAS A LOT TO EVOLVE
It is very unknown at a social level what transsexuality really is, and it is because we have always had the habit of associating sex with gender . Not only that, but we also have very marked gender roles: girls like certain things, and boys, others . We could not be more wrong , and this is something that you have to take into account from the beginning: that your daughter likes the activities that society marks ” masculine ” does not imply that she feels like a child. Your tastes have nothing to do with your gender identity.
A child may want to wear a dress and heels and still continue to match their sex with their gender identity . Don’t confuse an attitude with a gender identity; They have taught us that dresses are a women’s thing, but this is not really the case. The little ones have not yet been so restricted by social structures, and that is why they feel much more free when it comes to saying that they want to wear a dress, or that they want to play races. Again, the fault is ours, and not yours : neither the clothes have gender, nor the toys have it, nor the tastes either. Gender identity goes way beyond that.
We still have a lot to learn, but if we start from the basis that gender and sex do not always have to correspond , surely if that happens to one of our children, we will know how to help him much better. And, after all, it is our responsibility as parents to help our children, understand and support them at all times, as well as correct them if they have attitudes that we consider incorrect (such as discriminating against someone because of their gender identity, or because of their identity sexual).
Dr. Tabriella Perivolaris, Sara's mother and fan of fashion, beauty, motherhood, among others, about the female universe. Since 2018 she has been working as a copywriter, always bringing to her articles a little of her experience and experience as a mother and woman.