What to do when children are uncooperative
Sometimes children ignore us or do not obey, and the problem may be that we do not give them options on which to guide their behavior.
There are many parents who think that their children do not cooperate in the education they provide because they are disobedient or lazy, but nothing is further from the truth, in the vast majority of occasions it has more to do with how orders are given and in how things are said than in other aspects.
When parents give options, they will have the most useful tools for management and control in life with young children. With the options, the children will be more willing to cooperate in education and in day-to-day life.
Giving children choices is almost like a magic wand helps them understand that they too are in control, at least until children are five or six years old. For example, when a child does not want to go to bed you can say something like: “Do you want to go to bed right now or in five minutes? In five minutes? Okay, then you will go to bed in five minutes without matter what happens. “
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THE EFFECTIVENESS OF ALTERNATIVES AND OPTIONS
Why do alternatives and options work so well? This little parenting trick works because it is not a fight or a war of wills, it is simply a “win-win.” You are offering your child options that are good with you and that if he chooses them, they will be happy. Your child will be able to choose an option and he will feel that he has the right to choose freely, so it will also be a good idea for your little one’s education.
To put aside power struggles, options and alternatives are the best options. You will not be forcing your child to do something, you will be giving him a free choice. The child will have the power of choice within limits and will not feel forced to do something at any time. It is something that you will choose, so your cooperation will be easier.
So how is this magic wand used for the help of children?
GIVE LIMITED OPTIONS
Two or three options maximum is ideal , so they will be options that are designed to be pleasant for the child, but you can eliminate the options that are unacceptable to you. So the child will choose an option that he likes and you will have eliminated those that cannot be chosen under any circumstances.
Choose a motivating option
Young children can feel overwhelmed by some circumstances and before a tantrum breaks out, it is a good idea to give them a motivating option to enhance their cooperation in context. For example, before leaving the house you can say something like: “We have to leave the house now, do you want to put your shoes on or do you want me to help you put them on?” This way the little one will know that they should go out but that they must first put on their shoes, and they will not think that it is an order!
In this sense, it is very important that children do not feel that the options are an order, because if they do, they could start a power struggle or a war of wills. The orders feel unfair and the options are totally fair and motivating.
AS CHILDREN GROW, THE OPTIONS CHANGE
As children grow, their needs will also change little by little. For example, if you have to choose between several options for extracurricular activities, you can choose several options that are appropriate to your personality so that you can choose the one that best suits your interests.
The interests of a 3-year-old child will have nothing to do with the interests of an 8 or 13-year-old child, so it is necessary to think about the options that are provided taking into account their developmental age . Thus, the little ones will understand that the options are good ideas and will continue to feel that they have control over what they do and choose even if they are limited options.
OPTIONS GIVE THEM SELF-CONTROL
Children can learn self-control thanks to the options they must choose, because they may be interested in two or three of one but should focus on choosing only one. Also, if the child, for example, has to finish homework, you can say something like: “When you finish homework, you can go out to play in the park or watch TV for a while . ” The child will feel motivated to finish the task willingly but must choose one of the two proposed activities.
CHOICES TEACH KIDS CONSEQUENCES
Choices also teach children the consequences of their actions. For example, if a child has a clarinet test soon, you can tell him that the extra practice will help him feel more confident, but that it is his choice to do it or not. If you don’t, you may not do as well and you may realize the natural consequences of your choices.
But don’t offer options that don’t seem right to you. For example, if your son has an exam at school and you don’t want him to fail, then you can’t tell him that studying is an option and you should help him structure his study in an effective and flexible way.
WITH EMPATHY THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE OPTIONS IS DOUBLED
The empathy helps the child feel understood, so it is somewhat less annoying for them and will resist less to cooperate. That means that you are more likely to actually be able to make a decision and move on with it, acting without tantrums or anger that could harm the environment.
Resistance with force or with power struggles will never be good options , ultimately a child will always be more resistant because even if you want to affirm the right to have control, if you must affirm it it is because you do not have it. Limits with options are the key to success so that cooperating at home and with everyday tasks does not turn into a nightmare.
If the child understands that you have some control but that you give them options and a certain part of that control for decision making, the result will be a more cooperative, happier child who knows that you will always be by his side. Don’t underestimate the power of giving children options and alternatives for emotional balance at home!
Dr. Tabriella Perivolaris, Sara's mother and fan of fashion, beauty, motherhood, among others, about the female universe. Since 2018 she has been working as a copywriter, always bringing to her articles a little of her experience and experience as a mother and woman.